To be or not to be... broken

Today I ran headlong into a difficult reality: my heart wants enough brokenness to inspire creativity but not enough to actually hurt. When the music swells or the rose-red sunset catches my eye, my heart revels in the glory of the Creator. I am aware of the God's greatness. In such places, my heart overflows with prayers for brokenness; I long to remember the beauty of resting beneath His wing. Yet, I do not truly desire complete dependence on Him. Today I am aware of this inconstancy:

I've been working on setting the poem "Broken" to music (see my post on September 15th). So, as I strummed away on the guitar and experimented with chords, I must have sung the song at least 50 times in the past day or two. As the words danced on the notes, I felt the poem's prayer resound in my soul: a cry for a constant reminder of my need for Jesus. Little did I know what lie ahead...

This evening, I found out that my plan to return to London for the summer after I graduate fell though. I'm sad and angry. I was so excited about returning to London for a couple of months to help out with World Harvest's internship program. But more than that, I was excited to have a plan. Graduation looms on the horizon - daunting and overwhelming - and the plan to return to London for a couple of months was a God-given opportunity that gave me such hope. It pretty much dropped itself into my lap and made me feel like people wanted me and God was taking care of me. Now, I am back to having no plan... The rosy sunsets are but a memory and I am dismantled in my Savior's hand.